Parenting issues often bother whole family, leading to frequent disputes yet struggle to find effective solutions. A recent survey by the Hong Kong Young Women's Christian Association (YWCA) reveals that 40% of parents experiencing conflicts with their children at least once a week, which mean plenty of ordinary families are facing similar challenges. The survey suggests that giving a "false compromise" as a tool of resolving conflicts, actually leads to repeated disputes and deteriorates parent-child relationships.

The survey was conducted from January to May this year, targeting parents in Yuen Long, Tuen Mun, Sham Shui Po, Yau Tsim Mong, and Kwun Tong — districts with highest reports of child abuse incidents in the past two years. A total of 406 questionnaires were collected. Notably, 92.4% of respondents reported having conflicts with their children, with 40% experiencing conflicts at least once a week. 

Main causes of these conflicts were "Electronic Devices" (68.4%) and "Homework" (68.4%), followed by "Academic Performance" (43.8%) as survey found. The majority of conflicts occurred through "Verbal Arguments" (91%), with alarmingly 10% involve "Throwing Things" or "Physical Conflicts". 

Further analysis found that 82.6% of parents do not feel the tension ceases after the conflict ended. For example, they will show sense of displeasure, avoid any form of contact, and extend the "battlefield" by criticizing each other over other issues. They generally experience feelings of helplessness, grievance, and anger after conflicts, rather than a sense of resolution. This suggests “false compromise” is merely superficial, and will lead to further misunderstanding. Such ongoing cycle severely affects parent-child relationships as 75.2% surveyed parents expressing dissatisfaction with their ways of handling conflicts.

Akina Sze, Unit In-charge of YWCA Jockey Club Family Wellness Centre, pointed out that traditional Chinese society emphasizes obedience, and children are taught to listen and obey, therefore they tend to compromise after conflicts even they are not sincerely listening, and result in triggering new conflicts. She mentioned conformity orientation found in family communication patterns would lead to a vicious cycle. To prevent alleviating mutual misunderstandings, parents should adapt conversation orientation to build mutual trust with children.

Mrs. Wong (a pseudonym) has been clashing with her daughter about choices of meal and extracurricular activities since her daughter went primary school. Mrs. Wong believed her arrangements are the best and forced her daughter to comply, leading to frequent arguments. She noted that her daughter often harbored negative emotions after conflict that accumulate over time, resulting in greater outbursts next time.

During worst time in their relationship, Mrs. Wong’s daughter became extremely sensitive, often crying and refusing to communicate, prompting her to seek help. After participating in “YWCA Jockey Club Calm & Caring Family Project", she learned to let go of her authoritative parenting mindset and give her daughter more opportunities to express herself. Now, she and her daughter could enjoy open-minded communication, and both become happier and more willing to share their thoughts.